As I laid in bed tossing and turning at 1:32 am, I just reflected on my first year at Lee University. To say it has been the craziest ride ever is an understatement. Most of my biggest fears have been placed in front of me. God has truly taught me so much about myself. One of the biggest lessons that God is continually teaching me is to know what it means to trust Him. I always believed that I trusted God with everything I have, but I learned that I had no clue what it even meant to trust God. This year I have faced more rejection and disappointment than I have ever wanted to experience in my entire life. My times of prayer was filled with tears and crying out to God for understanding. My heart was just consumed with so much disappointment that I lost focus of who God truly is...in control of everything. I was smacked in the face seemingly day after day with being passed over and seeing people overshadow me. I often screamed out to God that "I don't even want to be here, but You are the one who has called me to be here. If anything I should be the one succeeding for my sacrifice."
There came a point in the midst of my Spring semester that I just came to the end of myself. My heart was full of expectation and dreams. However, all I could see was the words that the accuser stood speaking over me. Words of failure, worthlessness, and uselessness. I knew that in that moment of torment was a divine invitation to trust Him. I knew within a few short days I would be stepping on a tour bus for the last time for a few months expected to minister to churches that have waited for a choir full of college students to step on the stage and bring God to their church. I just sat on the edge of my bed and wrote a list of all the names I felt I had covering me. Words like rejected, failure, worthless, forgotten, and angry filled this small sheet of paper. Then I sought all through my Bible to find a Scripture that just told me God didn't feel the same way about me. I brought this paper with me on this tour. Every moment of the two services I faced an internal battle of feeling the words of accusation, but knowing that God calls me something different. With that paper tucked in the cover of a small Bible, I made it through that tour.
Then the next wave of fear consumed me for what was to be ahead. I now am forced to face the reality of going home for over three months where I am now by myself with more time alone than ever and without the people who have been with me through the storm. Fear overcame me. How am I to do this alone now? In my final days of being at college I just knew God was saying "make me a close friend." The lesson for this season is to learn Jesus as a Friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am about 13 days into this little journey and it sincerely feels like it has been months. Most of the days, I have faced this battle of hopelessness and doubt, forcing me to cry out to God in the midst of the waves. However, I have heard a voice piercing through the winds saying, "Will you trust Me?" I am learning that God can't teach us to trust Him when everything comes out the way we wanted, but we learn to trust Him when the lack is present and we see the dryness of the desert surrounding us. So as I lay here with the words of accusation speaking death, I can repeat the Truths of God that is an anchor for my soul. I can sleep easy knowing that His ways are high than mine, and that through the fire and hurt He brings for a trust without borders.
