Since coming to Lee I've been wanting to write and be able to put to words what God has been doing. However, anytime I go to write or think about what to; my mind just gets jumbled and nothing seemingly productive would come from a post. Tonight though I was just sitting in my room and kind of reflecting on life and my walk with God. Coming to Lee University has been one of the most challenging yet reward experiences ever. The spiritual battle has become so real to me. It seems that I would do something radical and out of my comfort zone for God only to have a ginormous attack to deal with not five minutes later. I've had to deal with many things that I never thought I had real issues with.
One of these areas in my life God has been working on me is me emotionally. Just a few months before coming to Lee, God was really showing me that people are important in my relationship with God. It wasn't just me and Him, but me, Him, and them. Once arriving at Lee I left all my emotional support and the people who were there for me when I went through something to hug me and be there physically for me. Well here I am at Lee University over 500 miles from all those people in an area that might as well be a foreign country. A week after everyone left and I am now an official grown adult college student who pays for his own food, all Hell literally broke loose. Emotionally I felt isolated and with nobody to help me. Thank God that all got resolved pretty soon.
Another issue, and a more relevant issue, that God is dealing with me on is anger. There has been so many instances where something happens and I am ready to go to battle. Something even happened right before I sat down to write this. I am quickly learning my life is destine to serve others. Hard pill to swallow to be completely honest. God has called me to serve the ones that I can not even look at without getting angry. There are so many people God is calling me to lead and pastor, and I am fully aware that some peoples' God given purpose is to oppose my leadership and authority. So coincidentally at college I am not only academically preparing for ministry, but spiritually and applicably.
Tonight I really just did a little evaluation of myself and just felt pretty down and useless. Here I am about 3 years from being thrown into that "full-time ministry" life, yet still having so many issues. There have been things I've experience while at Lee where I just looked back and questioned, "Am I really going to be a minister?", "Have I already wrecked my anointed?"," Am I going to one day have this huge moral failure leaving my whole world upside down to where everything I ever devoted my life to is now gone?" All those questions are very real to me. Do I see myself entering my first Youth Pastoring job and not having issues with anger, emotions, or any others? Not at all. What I do know is that God isn't mad and throwing me out, but teaching me that I might one day have the ability to sit across from a 13-19 year old me with tears in his eyes and can genuinely say, "I know exactly where you're at. God is not mad or angry with you, but love you just as much as He ever has. You're not a mess up, you did not wreck your anointing, you still have a hope and a future, and you have a story that will touch a generation that will testify to them that God is Faithful." So tonight I can sleep confidently that God is saying the same thing over me. His arm is not too short to grab me, His grace abounds even the more in my sin and shame, His love is unconditional, and His thoughts towards me are nothing but good.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" (1 John 3:1, NIV)
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